Well I’m not really sure where to start with this weeks post.  I’m feeling absolutely drained on multiple levels.  You may remember a few months ago I shared about my grandmother who had been fighting cancer since 2008.  Last week my mom thought it was best that the family make some time to come spend some time with Granny.  Her body was changing and the pain was becoming un-manageable for her.  She was put on morphine drops and narcotics to help try and make her comfortable.  I made plans to go and visit last Thursday with my mom.  It happened to be my mom’s birthday as well so we started by going to breakfast.  We arrived to see Granny in a bed that had been brought in and she was sleeping.  Which hadn’t happened in quite a few days.  She was spending many nights yelling out in pain or for those from her past.  She was sharing memories of her wedding, her best friend and my cousin whom lived with her and died last year during her what I will call shout outs.

During this visit I saw a grandmother that I wasn’t ready for.  My heart and gut told me today might be the last time I will have the opportunity to share what my heart wanted me to share.  I sat by her side a few times holding her soft hands getting a few words here and there from her.  I knew I was loosing the women that as a child I have fond memories of spending day after day at her house playing.  Spent Friday nights going with her grocery shopping for the upcoming week buying what at the time and actually today seems like an astronomical amount of food…I think we would leave there with two or three overflowing carts full!  Spending resting/nap time at her house watching cartoons for a short time and then when it was time for us to rest our eyes she would put on Maury Povich and after that Jerry Springer!  Granny’s house was always a blast and she always had the best snacks and I honestly don’t ever remember her saying no.  She truly was so great!  At the same time she was stern I remember she would babysit multiple other children and some were my age.  To this day I use her line that two girls together is fine but you add a third in and they turn in to cats!  She believed in time out and IT WORKED!  I think we just knew at Granny’s house you followed the rules; that was that!  We spent as a family Sunday’s at Granny’s house for a late lunch early dinner.  Many of those Sunday’s would start with us shopping at Zayre’s and a few other local shops!  It was not that we got anything at these trips but it was a tradition and we all loved it!  So as I sat with her I enjoyed these memories and felt sad that things had changed so much in the recent years but knew I needed Granny to know I loved her for those memories.

As the day came to an end I sat with her and shared that I loved her very much and as my tears dripped on her she told me “don’t worry about it, I will be ok.” I told her I love the memories she provided experiences to create.  I wanted her comfortable during this last part of her journey.  I wanted her at peace and she told me “he brings us to this world when he is ready and he takes us from it when he is ready for us.” She said she wasn’t quite ready.  I asked her if she was at peace and she said “not yet.”  When I was there she still hadn’t seen all of her children and many of her grandchildren.  So this statement made complete sense to me.  We shared a few other thoughts and she was passionate and genuine.  At the end she told me I needed to go be with my babies.  Which was true as they were finishing their school day.  I left my grandmother’s house comfortable with our conversation.  Over the next few days things started to change more.

I unfortunately had a change at my home as K had come down with the flu yet AGAIN!  So I could not be at Granny’s with the rest of the family.  Saturday after she saw my uncle who is the baby of her children and lives the farthest away she seemed at peace.  But the pain was bad and wasn’t allowing her to calm down enough to relax.  After medicine was adjusted she was finally able to relax.  She spent a few more hours appreciating all the family around her.  I truly do believe this as I mentioned in my December post my grandparent’s house was NEVER quiet.  It has always been filled with one voice battling another or fifteen conversations going on at once!  A sound I love!  She saw all of her children and many of her grandchildren as well.  Granny then went in to a peaceful sleep.  This sleep lasted a few days unfortunately the sound in the house turned ugly due to some family members not comfortable with not being in control of the situation.  At this time my mom had to make a tough decision as her power of attorney.  Monday they transported my grandmother into a wonderful facility that she could spend her final days with us in a peaceful setting.  Tuesday morning at 115am my Granny was given her angel wings and went to heaven peacefully.  As the director of nurses told my mom many times when we are at this stage our bodies need to be at a place that is quiet and allows god to do his job.  She said my grandmother went very peacefully.

I have spent the past few days unsure.  A good point was made by my sister and cousin as now that both these grandparents are gone it’s another generation we don’t have here. This makes it sad and scary for us.  There’s the thought that you should have said or did more.  But we can’t live in the shoulda, woulda, coulda state we have to move forward. There is anger at those that couldn’t allow my grandmother to pass peacefully in the comfort of her home.  Then I’m just sad.  Sad because this terrible disease took over her body and we couldn’t fight it.  Sad because I loved her so much and I shouldn’t have ever allowed any bump in family dynamic to keep me from making sure she knew this and being there.  I know time heals all wounds and its a new wound at this point so I need to allow my heart to heal at the pace it needs.  I know it will come and for any one else healing allow your heart the time it needs.  We will get there taking each day as it comes.

I honestly wish my post today could be all champagne and roses scratch that gerbera daisies I hate roses!  But sometimes life isn’t those things and we have to share the things that bring out emotions that we many times like to keep tucked in our pocket.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and look forward to connecting soon!

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